


Honest Trailers - Rise of the Guardians (Script Only)

by Shadow_Light13



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 12:45:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20389915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Light13/pseuds/Shadow_Light13
Summary: I just thought I would throw my two-pence in and create a cheesy Honest Trailer commenting on and introducing the movie Rise of the Guardians.Disclaimer: I do not own Rise of the Guardians, nor any of the characters. Also, this was inspired by Screen Junkies' Honest Trailers, hence why the cliche structure of the Trailer.





	Honest Trailers - Rise of the Guardians (Script Only)

**Author's Note:**

> In case the coding is a bit confusing, here's a key before y'all dive in.
> 
> Words in bold - Actions, clips being shown and put on screen.  
Words in italics - Side commentary  
Words in normal writing - Narration.

From the studio that brought you modern classics such as Shrek and How to Train Your Dragon…

**(Shrek, How to Train Your Dragon and Prince of Egypt come on screen.)**

…comes a movie… that will probably not become a classic. 

Join us, to watch the retelling of Jack Frost’s backstory - without actually seeing any of his history asides from those few minutes at the start of the film - as he develops from a complete ass-hole with nothing better to do that freezing peoples’ tongues and peoples’ goldfishes, to a not-so complete ass-hole that only takes barefooted children into a fight against a full grown, nightmare-wielding adult to catch hypothermia in the middle of the night. 

**(Shows sequences of Jack waking up, appearing in the village and being walked through, him freezing a boy’s tongue to a water fountain and someone’s pet goldfish along with blowing out a stack of papers… then flashes to him taking the Burgess kids out in the night, and them facing Pitch, then standing on the ice on the frozen pond… with no shoes.)**

_ Yeah… how is it that he got picked out to be the Guardian again? _

**(“I take that back, the Groundhog’s fine.” - Bunny)**

Stand back 

**(North is standing back when he sees Pith’s shadow...)**

and observe the magical and astounding world of quirky spirits 

**(Toothiana shows Sophie some teeth.)**

unravel before your very eyes as you get a sneak peak into Santa’s work shop -

**(“I’ve being trying to break into this place for years now…” - Jack)**

And the Tooth Fairy’s palace filled with millions of children’s teeth, but no actual bathroom, bedroom, ballroom or anything that makes a palace different from a glorified storage unit. 

**(Shows all the tooth fairies buzzing about, hiding the teeth into containers.)**

Watch an action and adventure sequence that is so fast-paced that it will make you completely forget the fact that Jack can’t actually touch anyone

**(Shows Burgess kids walking through Jack at first and then him picking up Sophie Bennett when she is asleep.)**

and that the animators made Pitch make the lamest mistake in the history of villainy by giving Jack his staff back, his mini-fairy friend back and his f*cking memories. 

**(Pitch drops the broken staff and leaves Jack.)**

_ You know, you’d almost think Pitch was gunning for Jack to win this… _

Buckle up for 1 hours and 37 minutes of family fun, punctuated by one interesting fight scene,

**(Shows first the scene with Bunny in the sleigh, then the fight scene just before Pitch disappears behind Jack only to be pulled back by Sandy, where he fights almost all the Guardians…)**

a teeth collecting competition 

**(Shows a snippet of the Guardians collecting teeth, and then Pitch exclaiming “they’re collecting the teeth?!”)**

and a tale of abandonment - 

**(The man in the moon, who doesn’t respond appears on screen)**

Bad influences

**(Shows North with his tattoos and the Tooth Fairy punching Pitch.)**

Forgetting people

**(Scene with Pitch and Jack being walked through appears.)**

And terrible work contracts. 

**(Shows Pitch explaining to Jack how being a Guardian works, as well as Phil being told to repaint something THREE times.)**

That taught a generation of fans that verbal and physical abuse is okay, so long as it’s done by the ‘’good guys”.

**(Shows sandy pummeling Pitch, shaking an elf by the head and Bunny telling him that he belongs under a bed. Also, Jack freezing the elves._**

_ I wonder if this was also inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. I know some of the fans must have been. _

**(Shows the abusive fanfics.)**

_ Gah, I know some people don’t like this guy, but this is taking things too far! _

A movie that made some teenage girls think Edgy is the new Sexy. 

**(A short clip pops up showing Jack arguing with Bunny and Pitch getting snappish at the Guardians.)**

So allow yourself to forget the movies inconsistencies and mistakes, as you listen to the beautiful but totally forgettable soundtrack, including pieces like Still Dream and the more _ creatively _named Pitch on the Globe and Fanfare of the Elves… 

_ If they do end up creating a sequel to this, they should totally let Disney take over the music department… _

Be mesmerised..

**(Shows Jamie seeing Jack for the first time...)**

by the attention to detail that is completely left out with the main villain 

**(The bland robe Pitch wears is emphasised here and the mistakes in the robe animation.)**

Who, to be fair,_ is _ creatively called Pitch Black.

_ So if you’re ever in a pitch black room, with a bottle of pitch, watching Pitch Perfect, followed by Riddick… know it probably inspired the name of Dreamworks’ most unintimidating villain… _

Starring…

Mr Freeze 

**Chris Pine as Jack Frost**

**(Jack Freezing something is used here.)**

Mid Life Crisis 

**Alec Baldwin as North**

**(North showing off his tattoos / swords pops up.)**

Feather Tush

**Isla Fisher as the Tooth Fairy **

The O.G Furry

**Hugh Jackman as the Easter Bunny**

That One Guy Who Is Into S&M But Doesn’t Do Safe Words

**… as Sandman **

And Edge McEdgy 

**Jude Law as Pitch Black**

**(Pitch getting angry/determined as he sees “the last light”.)**

The Grouch Who Stole Easter

_ Wait, so if Toothiana was out of the field of 440 years, does that mean she missed the entirety of World War 1 and 2? If so, does that mean Pitch wasn’t there or responsible for that either…? _

**Author's Note:**

> Mind you, this is a more comical version of my opinion. However, there are some points I am at least somewhat serious about, so I would appreciate it if you didn't absolutely ridicule my view on the movie. It is still a good movie, I just have a love-hate relationship with it at the moment. 
> 
> If you do have an opinion, or suggestions, or if you would have written this differently, feel free to comment down below.


End file.
